Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
