Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
They took my balls.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
