He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
