found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
