Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
