What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
