I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
