YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
