its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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