i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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