T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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