brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
