I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
