When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize