he thought i was a dude.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need to calm my uterus...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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