true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
