Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
