She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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