My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have fence marks all over my body
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
