is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
