she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
