Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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