Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
