I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
