why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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