just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
