so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
