You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize