Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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