I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
