We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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