who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
