nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
