i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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