how can u be prego again
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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