Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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