i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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