i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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