He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
