Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
