isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
