It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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