Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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