I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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