I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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