I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
