He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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