I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
