Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
