I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
