accomplished twins. life is a go
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
