I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
