I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize