Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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