I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
