Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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