I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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