After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize