NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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