I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
