I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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