My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
