I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
