i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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