In the future we'll all be gay
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
