True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
