i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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