walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize