I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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