i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
