im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
